Don’t Feed the Pilgrims

“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, ‘Don’t feed them. If you do, they’ll never leave.’” ~ Dylan Brody


Thanksgiving Day is here. Again.

How did this happen so soon? Didn’t we just have Thanksgiving last year?

Oh, right. Every November.

Is it just me, or does this holiday sneak up on us every year? You can see Christmas coming months away. NORAD tracks Santa’s every move. No way he gets down that chimney without every kid in America getting a text.

Thanksgiving is like Fight Club. We don’t talk about it. We just let it happen and enjoy it until it gets out of hand and someone calls the cops.

Some people stress over seeing family at Thanksgiving. Who’s coming this year? Do we have enough turkey and dressing? Is Uncle So-and-So going to be there? Again? What did he do this time? Who’s going to pick up Grandma? You know she shouldn’t be driving. Is Aunt Whatshername going to show up? I thought she was in rehab. Johnny Carson said Thanksgiving is the day when people travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.

My family has never been one of those families. I guess I’m thankful for that. By the time the food is put away, I’m also thankful the waistband of my pants doesn’t explode and pop off a button, firing a 250-mph brass round projectile into someone’s eye.

Besides, the eyepatch looks kind of hip, and Aunt Ruthie always wanted to be a pirate.

I hope you enjoy Thanksgiving with your family. Be sure to count your blessings, drink your Ovaltine, eat your vegetables, and floss at least once a year.

And don’t feed the Pilgrims.

 Happy Thanksgiving, y’all. 78



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